140 Characters of Awesome

You may remember mention of my roommate in a previous newspost wherein she raped our linoleum with a coconut. Here is another life affirming vignette from our lives of domestic bliss.

The other night we were watching the new Star Trek movie. Amber and I tend to have opposing tastes in everything, but Star Trek is one movie we can both get behind in that neither of us like it very much. She doesn’t like it because she’s more into the old Star Trek and apparently the new one can’t possibly live up to the grand legacy of etc. etc. etc. I didn’t like it because I thought it was boring and I’ve never liked Star Trek anyway. This isn’t important though, because this story is about rectal stimulation, and Star Trek is NOT about rectal stimulation. See? By talking about Star Trek for a paragraph, I have effectively buried the lead. You, as the reader, have to work for this shit.

So we’re sitting around watching this movie and attempting to pass the time through the joining of rum and coke. Now, I usually consume this beverage with great aplomb, but I was taking it easy that night, while Amber was uncharacteristically putting it away with pronounced vigor. After downing her third or so double rum and coke, Amber starts hiccuping like a soused up cartoon character. She was all, “Spock would never HIC act like that HIC in the original HIC GODDAMMIT!” At some point this futile attempt at communication became more entertaining than the actual movie and I started to try to engage her in as complicated conversations as possible. She would have none of it however and eventually declared that she was ready to take action.

“I’m going to go stick my finger in my butt!”

“Excuse me?” I replied as she trotted off to the bathroom to apparently penetrate her anus with one of her digits. Minutes later she emerged, startliningly hiccup free with a look of complete self-satisfaction on her face. I pleaded with her to explain what had just happened in there. Had she really just sodomized herself to stop her hiccups?!

“Of course,” she responded. “You never heard of that? The people who discovered that won the Ig Nobel prize!” Apparently the way it works is that the rectal stimulation somehow shocks your system, slows your heartbeat, and eliminates your hiccups. How invading your tooter is supposed to slow your heartrate is a mystery to me, but I’ll take her word for it. You can read more about it here: http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn10207-ig-nobel-prizes-hail-digital-rectal-massage.html

Long story short, I’m really curious about the validity of this, but I don’t want to try it myself. The butt is possibly my least favorite orifice (That’s where poop comes from!) and popping my butthole’s cherry in the pursuit of science hardly seems worth it to me. That’s where YOU come in! If you’re a brave enough soul to test out this theory next time you experience the hiccups, please, please, respond in the comments and let us know how it went. You will be rewarded with the respect of your peers and a lifelong membership to the “Shyeah Corp. Club for Winners”. Good luck and Godspeed!

posted by Brad-Shyeah @ January 21st, 2010, 4:41 pm  |  2 comments

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Guessed (Guest), January 21st, 2010, 11:11 pm

Dude, I cannot WAIT to get hiccups! Quick, get me some rum and coke!

Amber (Guest), January 22nd, 2010, 2:21 am

Sometimes I'm awesome. Sometimes.

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